Yoga Booty Ballet
Today I ventured into hostile territory. Since I went back to bed after the kids left for school, I ended up oversleeping for the 8:15 weight training class AND the Boot Camp class. Feeling like a total loser for sleeping until nearly 10, I decided I better salvage what little self respect I had left by getting to the gym. Yoga started at 12:30. I arrived at 12:29 water bottle in tow. Yoga is not for the chunky. Yoga is not for the modest. Yoga is not for the weak. Yet, I entered knowing all these things.
I would have to say I excelled at the part where I got to lay on my back and breathe – especially since I had practiced this pose all morning. Next came the ‘up dog’ where you are on your hands and feet with your rear end high in the air. I don’t like putting my big booty at anybody’s eye level. And I had visions of becoming the human bike rack. Besides, when one assumes this position, one’s shirt tends to drape toward the floor thus exposing parts that should simply not be exposed. Ever.
There was more. Lots more. We did cobras, planks, and all sorts of contortions that I was afraid would only result in a 911 call if I were to partake. The plank is appropriately named. Didn’t the pirates die by walking from a plank? I’m here to attest that that would be an easier death than this plank. My entire body shook like a leaf on a tree after only seconds. It was definitely a testament to the fact I am weak. Nobody in yoga wears shoes except people who are totally clueless, like me. Finally, we did this pose where you lie on your back with your heels near your rear and hoist your butt off the ground as far as you can. For normal people this is probably a pretty benign feat. For someone who wears two bras to the gym, this can cause a dangerous shift in cargo. I advise anyone who falls in the category of a double bagger, to be advised that you may experience a mild bout of suffocation during this particular move. Don’t be alarmed. If you pass out, your body will collapse and the cargo should realign itself and free your airway again.
When you regain consciousness, you may want to reconsider if yoga is worth risking your life over. I will not be posting any pictures from this event. You’re welcome.
THanks for the before bed laugh! I can picture this nicely and found myself thinking about the day Ann decided she was going to be a Yoga instructor so we held her first ‘class’ in my living room! I have to tell you, the laughs, the shakiness and diversity of those in the class was extreme. Good for you to be attending these classes! I am convinced it really is a good training sport… if not physically, it will certainly build your courage as you are far far ahead of all the rest of us that would have opted to stay in bed! Good job my friend!
This is really good stuff, and a great way to start my day laughing! You missed your calling, you are Erma Bombeck II!
Thanks for the laughs!