Dukies of Hazard

Online merchants are courting me mercilessly to buy their products.   This interesting offer crossed my desk the other day.  I found that this particular product greatly exceeds the others on both pricepoint and value.  They aren’t interested in separating me from my money.  They want to separate me from 25 pounds of excrement, and they are offering to let Mark join in on all the fun – for FREE!  Finally, I have a chance to actually weigh what my driver’s license says and nurture my marriage at the same time.  Nothing could possibly be more romantic than weekend spent at home.  Together.  On the growler. 

 Mark and I are multi-faceted people with diverse talents and interests…

We are equal opportunity:  “Hey, I dropped a 9 pound load and you only did 6.  I’d appreciate it if you’d do your share and drop another 3.”

We appreciate fine art:  “Look at all the colors!”  “Do you think that one kind of looks like Michael Vick?”

And pottery:  “Just a couple more coils, Babe, and we’ll have ourselves a beautiful vase.”

Not to mention sculpture:  “I bet if you wiggle around and shift a little to the right, you could get your dukie to look like a Maserati.”

We value physical fitness:  “Sweetie, you can do it!  Feel your quads burn as you finish writing your name.  And don’t forget to cross your T.  Let’s get it in cursive this time!  Pain is weakness leaving the body!”

We like to consider ourselves academics:

We’ve tested the laws of physics:  “Awesome!  You broke the sound barrier with that one!

Math comes easy to us:  “OK, if I take your 9 inches and add 6 inches, and then take away 3 inches.  How much am I holding?”

As does Geometry:  “Pi again?”

We study History:  “You must have had blueberries on Tuesday.”  Did you forget your iron supplement on Saturday?  “We’ve got to cut down on corn.”

Practicing English is a common practice in our home:  “Eeeew!  I HATE these dangling participles!”

We speak a language all our own:  “Hey kids, we’re not going to call it eating anymore.  From now on any consumption of food will be called ‘reloading’.”

But what if this bonding experience reveals a secret?:  “Hey!  Is that a Plaza Burger?  When did you go to Champps?  Who were you with?  And why didn’t you tell me?” 

Or catches us in a lie?:  “You DID eat that last snickerdoodle.  You lying bastard!  There it is between the Doritos and the Egg McMuffin!”

Remember all these meals? They can be sitting in your stomach right now harming your body. If you’re like most Americans you’ve tried every fad diet out there and like most of us you’ve FAILED to lose weight. What you didn’t know is that you can have up to 8 or even 10 undigested meals sitting in your colon RIGHT NOW weighing you down and draining all your energy. That’s up to 10 pounds or more of unnecessary waste in your colon! Rid yourself of the excess weight while relieving constipation and many other digestive ailments!

Wouldn’t it be the shits if such a wonderful bonding experience backfired on us?

And……To answer your questions… NO, I haven’t found a job, and YES, I do have wayyyy too much time on my hands.

PS – Today’s post was brought to you by the makers of Colonmate and my Grandma Elva’s DNA.  https://www.colonmate.com/?r=email&s=CD2122

~ by karmental on December 19, 2007.