F-U C-Word

On my list of words I hate, the “C” word is near the top of the list.  There are words on that list that I dislike in an amusing sort of way – like moist, for example.  And then there are words that I truly despise.  The C word is one that I despise.  Both versions.  The one that rhymes with hunt is offensive, but the other C word, Cancer, is loathsome.  And cruel.  And gives me an uneasy feeling everytime I hear it.

Today the C word has hit me like a tidal wave that won’t let up and leave me alone to catch my breath.  Every breath I take feels like a gasp.  It has taken hold of me like a current and is pulling on me constantly.  I desperately keep reaching for the past when my life was much simpler – like last week when all I was worried about was how I was going to get home from New Jersey. 

Today, the future and its uncertainty fill every crevasse of my mind.   The thought of losing my mom to this cruel disease scares the hell out of me.   And I am not ready to deal with that thought.  I don’t think we are ever ready to deal with that, but I. AM. NOT. READY !!!!!!!   

Not today. 

Not tomorrow. 

Not ever. 

What started out as an excruciating pain on her right side, has brought about an education in cancer.  The source of the pain is a tumor the size of an orange (although in her more precise way, she would tell you it’s more of a tangerine-size) on her adrenal gland.  That tumor has already metastasized into the liver.  The original source of the cancer is still unknown.   The plan is to remove the large tumor but other than that, I don’t know what the future - immediate, or long term, holds. 

So…  I don’t know how to process this for myself, much less help the kids process it.  I am not good at feelings.  I am better at thinking and rationalizing.  Feelings scare the shit out of me.  And I’ve always substituted feelings with cravings. 

I don’t know what to do with feelings and I hate it when they sneak up on me and force me to reckon with them.   Yet, I know, I have to find a healthy way to deal with all of this or it will consume me.  The good thing is that my mom is a realist and she’s strong.  And, this may come as quite the surprise, but she also has a fabulous sense of humor.  We will all fight this beast together. 

I plan to put up a blog site for updates as we begin this battle.  Beth and I will both administer it so hopefully there will be some regular updates.  I will set up a link to it once we’ve got it up.   

Update:  Here is the link to that blog

~ by karmental on February 27, 2008.