- If somebody wearing a haz-mat suit brings you a pill that’s in a pill bottle, inside a metal canister, inside a metal thermos, inside a metal suitcase with warning stickers for radioactive contents and wants you to ingest it, try this line: “You go first”.
- There is a big charade of modesty around doctoring. When you go to surgery they let you put on a gown and want you to believe that you will be wearing that gown. There’s a reason they make you take your arms out of the arm holes as soon as they get you into the OR - it’s because they do the Houdini thing where they YANK it off you immediately when you fall asleep and leave you laying there buck naked on display until they’re good and ready to start cutting. They give you medication that makes you forget the heckling and taunts you endured during your 15 minutes of
shamefame. - Anesthesiologists are the doctors you need to be nicest to if you’re having surgery. They are the ones who decide if you will be puking up whatever internal organs you have left.
- Versed = Truth serum. Band-aid your lips shut if you don’t want the world to know you think your doctor looks hot in his scrubs.
- When you learn that the (male) doctor who looks up your hoo hoo everytime you meet is having an extramarital affair, it kind of makes you feel like you’ve been auditioning for something. And not chosen.
- Don’t piss off doctors who wield knives for a living.
- Six different doctors can ask you the exact same list of questions and chances are that not one of them will be able to dictate an accurate report of your information. That is why I believe it is wise to bring a sharpie and draw arrows, x’s or instructions indicating the exact location of the area to be fixed. I’ve always wanted to write a hidden message to be revealed during the houdini thing but never had the guts to do it.
- If you choose to have “twilight” sedation for carpal tunnel surgery, be very cautious to not heckle the resident who’s stitching up your hand. It may end up stitched up right over your mouth.
- Curling irons have been known to double as ultrasound probes.
Doctoring 101
March 7, 2008 · 8 Comments
Categories: Daily Musings · OpinioNation
Tagged: doctors, hospitals, surgery, medical advice, Versed, radioactive iodine, naked, truth serum, cheating gynecologists, anesthesiologists, modesty, carpal tunnel
8 responses so far ↓
Laurie Kendrick // March 8, 2008 at 9:14 am
Well done, Karm!!!
And thanks for turning me on to Diablo Coty’s blog. I’d love to have dinner and drinks with her.
Many drinks with her. I bet she’s hoot buzzed.
LK
Beth // March 8, 2008 at 6:51 pm
hahahahahahahaha
I am SO saving this!
karmental // March 8, 2008 at 8:24 pm
LK - Count me in on the night out with Diablo Cody - rumor has it that she wrote Juno right here in Mpls. I’m thinking she would be a hoot with or without cocktails!
Beth - Thanks for stopping by. Glad you found some humor in my medical misfortunes!
holycow33 // March 11, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Regarding #5, I wonder what Hannelore felt like when Randy looked up her hoo hoo dilly?
holycow33 // March 11, 2008 at 8:17 pm
So, when my OBGYN’s technician goes spelunking with the vaginal ultrasound this month looking for son-of-the-giant-fibroid, am I not supposed to enjoy it? I don’t understand….
karmental // March 12, 2008 at 12:18 am
I never said you shouldn’t ENJOY it… I’m just telling you to make sure it’s not plugged in or has a steam valve. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
mudskippers // March 12, 2008 at 12:46 am
Oh yes…the fond memories of wanda. It’s better when you get the one with turrets.
karmental // March 12, 2008 at 11:24 am
I love how they promote “safe” ultrasounding with that big floppy condom! Makes the menfolk stand a little taller & prouder.
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