The Rest of the Story

My dear neighbor Amy has called out a little tidbid that I was too embarrassed to mention inadvertently omitted from the “Father’s Day” post…. 

My BFF, Cindy, had invited me to help her husband coach and videotape the birth of their first child.   She was scheduled for induction and was admitted to the hospital early in the morning.   All the cogs were in motion and we were all set for the big event.  Jon had the booklet about signs of progress, the chart for tracking contractions, a focal point consisting of a stuffed mama kangaroo, a signed and dated consent for the epidural, and the video camera ready for action.  

Cindy is as modest as I am and made me promise not to go “South”.  I had no problems making the commitment, as there are some things about your friends that you want to remain a mystery.  And determining if her carpet matched the curtains was not something I had a yearning desire to know. 

Once the labor started and Cindy grew more uncomfortable, the look in her eyes screamed get me the f#&^ out of here, while her sweet voice kindly requested the epidural.  Once the epidural kicked in, Cindy suggested Jon and I get out of her face go grab some lunch while she finally got some rest.  We took her up on her offer and left for about 45 minutes. 

We barely finished lunch when the nurse came in to check on Cindy.  She had dilated from 4 to 10 so the incubator was rolled in and set up directly behind me.  Cindy’s bed was dismantled and we were given our assignments.  I was assigned to Cindy’s right leg, Jon got the left and the nurse stood between us calling the audibles.  When it was time to push, Jon and I pushed toward Cindy while she pushed toward us.  The nurse led the counting with Cindy and I holding our breath and bearing down for the ten count.  Between the 50000 watts of radiant heat blazing across by backside and holding my breath, I began to get woozy.  The nurse must have been paying attention because she quickly directed me to sit down and drink something. 

I quickly regained my composure and got right back to leg duty.  We were buzzing like a well-oiled machine pushing and counting, pushing and counting.  It wasn’t long before I realized that the only one making any progress with a delivery was me. 

It seems that at 2:22 I birthed myself a tampon. 

Quite honestly, I didn’t know if I should be totally mortified or proud of my hoo-haw muscles.  I’d heard stories of girls in Asian countries with special skills “down there” but I had no idea I was a contender for THAT talent show. 

Finally, after 2 and a half hours of pushing, Cindy also delivered her own little bundle of joy. 

~ by karmental on June 29, 2008.